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I think I'm going crazy... no, REALLY.

2003-02-11 - 10:46 p.m.

I'M GOING TO HELL!!!! WHO WANTS TO COME WITH ME?

Oh, the wonder of Eminem... Jesus, I am so bored it's not even funny. Of course, nothing that comes from me is funny. At least, I never mean for them to be.

Got an e-mail from D today. It was good to hear from her. She's one of the only people I actually enjoy the company of. Ironically, I met her in high school. Oh, well. Guess everything there was not all bad. But then again, D is a very rare and special case. I think she was one of my only friends in high school, if not my ONLY friend in high school. Everyone else I categorize as either mere aquaintences or annoying bitches/bastards. But that's besides the point.

Well, D is away at college now, doin' way better than I am, believe me. We have a lot of common interests and aspirations... or used to, anyway. I've changed a whole lot. No one's gotta tell me for me to know it's true. I've become a whole lot more hostile and even bitter over the past year. Starting my senior year in high school, everything went down the shithole. What a bummer.

But I can't help the way I am now. Sometimes I try to be positive, I really do. But I guess it comes naturally to me to be pessimistic now. And hostile. Oh, yeah. I'm very hostile. My sis and mom keep denying it, but I tell them that they don't really know, because I'm never hostile to them. Only to the rest of the world and their mother. Jeez.

But part of me wants to be happy, honest! It's just a very, very TINY part. Still, it's enough of me to drive me crazy. I don't know what I am anymore, or what I'll become. Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted to go study at Colorado State, get my career and buy a house so I could give my mom a better life. Now I want to live locked up in my closet, write stories, play music, obsess over Ninja Turtles and draw comic books. That and drink milk. And have CHINGOS of pets. And sulk and bitch all day and spit venom at the world.

I wish I hadn't changed so much. Life for me was so much better when I knew what I was going to do with my life. D is now what I would've been if I hadn't changed. And when she wrote to me today, I felt useless. Like a complete failure. I failed my past self. I failed that little kid that just knew that taking care of animals for the rest of *** life was what *** wanted to do. I failed my innocence, my sense of hope. There is no hope for me now. If D sees me when she comes down for Spring Break, I just know she won't recognize me. Hell, I don't even recognize myself anymore.

I feel sick...

I JUST KNOW I GROW COLDER THE OLDER I GROW...

- Eminem

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