Got an e-mail from my sister today. Says she's alright, yadda yadda yadda, wants to buy a truck, yadda yadda WHAT?!

*SIGH...*

It's all nice and well, I suppose. It's her life, after all. But JEEZUS, a truck?! And it's not really about the damn truck, I know. *sigh* She wants to move out when she comes back. Move out into a house of her own and live there happily ever after with her boyfriend. *sigh* I don't mind. I've known she wanted to do this for some time already. My mom knows too, sis told her while she was at Ft. Hood. Over the phone. Knowing my mom would flip. *sigh* Mom's very Catholic. Well, not very, but she is enough. And she IS very Mexican. Very traditional, my mom. So is Art's mom. And his aunts. And grandparents. And WHOLE FRICKIN' FAMILY! They're ALL gonna flip when they find out they're movin' in together without getting married. Not that I give a shit. Like I said, it's their life. But why's she gotta ruin mine?

*sigh*

Yup. She don't know I feel this way. I haven't told her. And it's not sibling jelousy, no way. She knows me better than that. No, it's just that it's always the same. DUD's the rebel, DUD does whatever the FUCK she wants, DUD that wreaks havoc and makes my mum cry. And I'm always left alone in the end, to clean it all up. I mean, I DO love my sis, and I DO understand where she's comin' from, but I also recognize that she IS often selfish. Especially when it comes to family. She expects us all to be there for her 24/7, but when we need her around the most, at least spiritually, she's not willing. She wants to do what's best for HER, not really giving a crap what happens to mom and me.

See, mom's got diabetes. She's more mature in years. Had me when she was 34, I think. So she's not as strong as she used to be. Dud thinks she's old fashioned. She disagrees with her about nearly everything. In that, she's a lot like my dad. Never can get along with my mom. They piss me off sometimes.

So we just moved into this new house. It's very nice, with three bedrooms and shit. Roomy. Dud always did need her own space. Kicked me outta the old room back at the aparment so I had to share rooms with my mom. She's always wanted privacy and liberty to do whatever she wants to do. She's the type of person who demands you leave your door open so she can come and go as she pleases, yet she'll keep her door locked and with furniture backed against it. So when we got this house, which to me has more than enough room for just three of us, I thought we'd be OK. Better. And we were, for a little bit. But Dud's ambitious. First her own room, then her own car, now her own house with her own truck. And I KNOW she won't settle for something small. She wants a 2003 Chevy Silverado, extended cabin, custom-made to her specifications. She says she joined the military so they could pay for her schooling, but in a way, I know the money attracted her too. *sigh* I can't stand people who worship money.

God, why did she have to be so ambitious? She had promised mom she would help her with the house payments and remodeling, but I'm sure she's forgotten all about that now. That's why I'm so desperate to get a job. I NEED to help mom, 'cause I know she won't for long. But mom doesn't want me to worry about that, she wants me to study. "Go to college," she says. But how can I think about school when things are so messed up at home? And when I DO apply at places, mom doesn't want me to get the job. She thinks it's not what I deserve. She thinks I should be working a government job, but I don't care if I work as a cross-guard at an elementary school. Pa' mi, jale es jale, y chamba es chamba. Work is work, y'know? But mom thinks if I get a job at the 7-11, I'll work at the 7-11 for the rest of my life! I tell her it's just temporary, but she won't hear of it. God knows how she got when I told her I wanted to be a bar-tender. Just temporarily, until I got a better job. The ad was in the newspaper, said I could make about $100 bucks a night, and to me, that's good enough. For starters, y'know? But mom wouldn't hear of it, said it would give me a bad reputation and then later in life I wouldn't be able to get a decent job. *sigh...* I don't know what she wants me to do... she even suggested I publish some of my poems! Crazy thing is, I've considered it. If it would bring in some extra cash... but I doubt any are that good. Not best-selling material, y'know what I mean?