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patiently waiting

2004-03-17 - 17:54

"If ya patiently waitin' to get through all the hatin', debatin' whether or not you can even weather the storm..."

I feel like my life is slipping away from me, like grains of sand through an hourglass or water through my outstreached hands. I brace myself, but I can't hold on much longer. It's like I'm fighting a loosing battle. I could scream, I'm ragin'. But I sit still and quiet and refuse to move. Yesterday I cut myself with my hunting knife 'cause I had ceased to feel human. I needed to bleed, y'know? But in the end I chickened out, and no blood flowed. There was only the stinging of the wound, like a papercut, with the soft metallic taste of crimson fluid. The back of my neck tingles and my hands instinctively ball into fists. I could scream. I swear I could fuckin' scream...

"[Y]ou lay on the table they operatin' to save you, it's like an angel came to you sent from the heavens above..."

Last night I held the cold hand of a corpse. It was ice and waxy smooth from too much make-up. Stiff. I knelt there and held that hand and squeezed it, part of me hoping for a response. But this body was past rigamortis, and I recieved none. All this time, I could not cry, or even feel sad, even though I had known this man in life. But he could no longer feel anything, so why the fuck should I?

"I'm innocent in my head, like a baby born dead..."

So I am numb, on the verge of something psychotic. I try to hold on, but I can feel it all slipping. My hands are oily like they're afraid to sweat and my mouth is dry. So much death... it's like my life is out of reach... and all I's can do... is wait patiently...

*all quotes used in this entry are from 'Patiently Waiting' by 50 Cent feat. Eminem*

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