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1984

08 October 2007 - 00:50

I wasn't able to sleep well at all last night. I finally passed out from exhaustion and sheer stress around four or five in the morning. Only to get up at seven to go to work at eight. I worked for eight and a half hours in the sweltering sun, inside steaming trailers, transfering X-Box loads from one to another, nonstop. Got home and crashed out again for an hour. And I am still so tired. And I still cannot sleep.

I don't know if I ever will be able to have another decent night's rest ever again. And all because of this:

Yesterday I was browsing through videos on MySpace (I've got an account there now, big whoop) when I came upon that of a young... er, person, venting on a homemade recording. S/he was basically telling people off for telling him/her off because of a previously posted video. "Get educated, people!" the video-person demanded, and having had my curiosity sparked and having nothing to do on a Saturday night, I followed the link beneath this person's video and ended up at http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com. Go there if you want, is all I'm gonna say. Horror awaits, evil and vile. But the truth shall set us free and all, so I really do recommend it. It's a documentary, almost two hours long, separated into three parts. You can also google it to see the film. Either way, my life will never be the same again.

I always felt, since I was a wee one, that I was born too late. I might've mentioned this before. In fact, I know I have, because I've always believed it, I've always expressed it. I don't want to be living in this age! I crave the time of horses run wild, of buffalo and praries and the wide, wide world, so free and filled with the spirit of nature. I belong in pagan times. But alas, no. God planted me here for a reason, but after seeing that documentary, I'm not even sure who God is anymore. And it was really just the breaking point for me. Because for the past couple of years I've been feeling uneasy with my religion of birth, catholicism. Ten years ago, I had so much faith. Five, six years ago, even. And then it all began to fall apart...

Anyway, I won't go into that now. But see, this documentary just confirmed that unease and stripped away whatever false pretenses I kept up for myself concerning God and the universe and the angels and Jesus and all that stuff. For an instant, I felt as though I'd actually lost my faith. All of it, and I thought maybe I was an atheiest, and then came the flooding fear, for my culture is seeped in the Catholic teachings, drenched in faith. Without faith, I have no race, without my race, I am left rootless, for my family falls away from me. And without my family I am nothing.

Now my mind is in turmoil, for the documentary also deals with the country I live in. And (to a lesser degree), to the country of my forefathers. It deals with politics and corruption and technology and the world affairs in general. It shows me where this world is headed. And where we are headed is not a very pretty place. And I had seen this coming as well, because I'm an avid fan of reading, and one of my favorite books is 1984 by George Orwell, and, hell, I knew I'd seen our government's policies somewhere. I feel like I'm trapped in that novel, and if you've never read that book, go buy yourself a fuckin' copy RIGHT NOW, because it's just as horrifying as that documentary up there, and just as eye-opening. And that book was written before I was even fuckin' born. To feel like I'm living in the world of Big Brother is unsettling to me, to say the least. I'm terrified. And it's not even me I'm worried about anymore. Because the thought creeps into my head that it's okay, the world wouldn't be so bad, maybe, under a tyrannical world government, as long as they left me in peace, or let me go out into the "wild," along the lines of Brave New World (another excellent work of literature). But then I remember the fact that my sister has children now, and that matters in this world will only get worse as time goes on, and then how will they live? What about all those children, dammit?! And the rushing terror flows through me all over again, and my eyes open wide in my dark closet and I realize I can't let them take my little ones. Not the kids, I have to fight for the sake of the kids! And things are not okay, they're not alright. And by instinct, by culture and tradition, I start to send a fervent prayer up to...

Wait. That was the other part of the documentary, wasn't it? No God. Well, no Jesus, which is practically the same effin' thing to a mexican. Hell, my mom's got a ceramic life-size baby Jesus in the blue room next door, lying on a cushion, dressed in a blue robe, pampered and watched over and loved and prayed to. Because he's God.

No, not according to this movie. And the words catch in my suddenly dry mouth, the very thoughts catch in my stunned brain. I want to cry, I want to scream, more than anything in the world, I want to SCREAM, I hear it echoing already inside my head -

And nothing escapes my lips. I am silent. My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth, and I despair. Who do you turn to, if you can't turn to God? If I turn to 'Ama, she'll just hug me and coo softly: "Ten fe."

But faith is precisely what I can't seem to grasp right now. And I can't tell her! I can't bring her down into this cold abyss with me! Ignorance is bliss, y'know.

But I know I can't have her ignorant for much longer. She deserves the truth. EVERYONE DESERVES THE TRUTH!

And I am so shaken, so shaken...

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