I don't know where to start.

I have trust issues. Seriously. It happens all the fuckin' time. Every time I start to make a friend, or try to... shit, they piss me off!

It's because of work, I know it. I just... okay, I ain't makin' no sense, so I'll start over. Alright, deep breath, here we go:

Juan is a coworker of mine. The team I started with at UPS FDC has changed a lot since I got hired. Mayra's gone. Alb�n's up in the Air Dock now, Danny and Cat, the temps, came and went, Art's a supervisor now, Densie got fired (please, please, please let her stay that way), Zamira's moving to Customer Counter, Aaron and I hate each other's ass by now (over the aforementioned fired bitch), and my longtime friend Alex works on the computer station behind mine. Nacho will probably go back to being the A.M. clerk once they find someone to replace Zamira and Denise.

Now, I've known Juan for over a year now, and we're cool. Met his dad, and his little girl, Tula. Gave him a dog. And he's been goin' through a lotta shit latetly because of his divorce and so calls me often to vent. Told me I was his best friend and everything. It was one of those "awww" moments. Of course, all this time, since Alex and I live together (she's Dud's best friend and moved in with me and 'Ama, and later Dud moved in with Angel, too), she saw quite a bit of Nacho as well. And developed an over-obsessive crush on the guy, like she has a tendancy of doing. I let shit go as much as I could until even my family got fed up with it and told me to talk to Juan about it.

Turns out he smelled it comin'. He told me how jealous Mar�a was acting around him whenever he mentioned some of his other girl buddies that he hung with, like Brenda, who he's known since he was seventeen. So he started avoiding Mar�a a bit, hanging out with me even more. I didn't mind, he's a cool guy to have a smoke with at the park. The thing is, I guess Mar�a took a hint after a while, and she's been backing off. So that's a relief. 'Cause Mar�a used to be like a sister to me, I trusted her with almost anything. She is, in fact, the first person I ever told about my multiplicity, and she knows nearly all my alters, calls us by name and stuff. Ever since this shit with Nacho, though... jeez, I just don't trust her like I used to. I mean, Nacho had come to be the pal I lost in Aaron, when Denise came into the picture. If I was his best friend, then hell, he was mine too. He knows my family, dammit. My mom's cooked for him when he's sick and shit. And when Mar�a told me she would get him to lie to me... shit, I used to trust her more than him. She was my best friend first, but she killed that trust, and I feel uneasy about her now. I was afraid that was gonna be a problem, what with us living together and all. But now she's moving out, going back to her parents' place. That's another story altogether, though.

The point is, things should be getting better now, right? By all means they should.

Then why haven't they? I feel myself pulling away from Juan and Alex both while we're all at work, and I don't know why. Their topic of conversation is beginning to bore me, and I marvel at their immaturity. I mean, seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?! Juan is nearly ten years older than me (well, seven) and I'm calling him immature? But I certainly feel that way when all three of us are together, and even though he seeks me out to hang out, I find myself avoiding him. And I do this shit all the time. Seriously, I've been pushing people away my whole life. I've done this since junior high. I've lost a lot of friends, or potential friends in this manner over the years. By dropping off the face of the earth for them, not answering calls, cutting conversations short, not wanting to go out... *sigh*

It's frusterating. I've been trying to tell my mom and sister about this. I mean, they know me better than anyone, they should know how to help me out... but I haven't been able to bring myself to tell them. I tried again, today, during my sister's lunch break. 'Ama and I went to go have lunch with her at the recruiting station where she's a secretary, but even with a comfortably full stomach and easygoing conversation, with the two women I love and trust the most in this world... I couldn't tell them. The words wouldn't form on my tongue, and I kept quiet during the whole lunch, except to go along with trivial chit-chat when it was aimed my way.