I forgot my water bottle at home today. Fortunately for me, I'm a scavenger, and found an almost-empty Dr. Pepper bottle in the trash. I was walking over to the water fountain and noticed Natalie from afar. As is our usual manner, we waved to each other, and seeing that she was headed for the water fountain too, I called out jokingly, "I'll beat you to it!" and pretended to take a running start. She laughed (and I beat her, dur). She started filling up her thermos from the faucet instead, and I rinsed and filled my temporary water mug. I had pretty much zoned her out to the silent gurgling of water and coolness on my fingertips (I'm deep like that and shit, word), when I heard her mention something to me. I looked up with a raised eyebrow. "Wazzat?"

"I said Aaron gets really excited when you call him bro'."

My eyebrow inches ever higher.

"He tells me that when you call him bro' he fells like it means you two are real close or something."

Out came a strangled laugh. Really? I call everyone bro, I nearly blurted, but decided not to voice it. Instead I grinned and continued to fill up my bottle at the fountain. "Yeah... erm... Ozzy? Y'know, Superman, he calls me bro' all the time. Well, when he sees me." I couldn't think of any other goddamn thing to say. I mean, really. Talk about awkward. It's just a word I use. I really do call everybody at work bro'. Outside of work is different. But at work, we're all fuckin' siblings. I call the ladies by their name, but since most workers at UPS are guys, to be honest, I don't know the names of half the guys I talk to. So we go by nicknames, or just slang words like 'dawg' and 'bro' and 'dude'. Bro' is actually my friggin' word. Swear to God, they didn't use it three years ago when I got hired. Back then, everyone was 'man' or 'compa'. Originally I did start calling only Aaron 'bro' 'cause to me it's what he was. We were an awesome team back in the day, I'm sure I've mentioned more than once. But things're different now, and I figured he knew that. 'Cause we don't really talk at all anymore, unless it's absolutely necessary. Always business now between us.

Nat n' I couldn't really continue our conversation because, speak of the devil, her boyfriend was making his way towards us. So I quickly made tracks while lightly mentioning some stupid anecdote that happened between Aaron and I yesterday. (In case you're interested, here's the shorthand version: We wore similar headgear and I gave him shit about ripping my style. But I was kidding. We both knew it was a freaky coincidence, and we laughed it off. Been a while since we had a laugh, now I think back...) By then Aaron was within earshot and we all kinda laughed over it again. But I'm tellin' ya', it was one of those awkward half-laughs on my part. I wanted to get away from those two as fast as I fuckin' could. I just... felt my whole body kinda tingle with a strange energy that made me wanna bolt. Either that, or blush.

Meh, anywho's... don't know what made me bring it all up now...

Well, I do, but now the feeling that propelled me to start this entry has changed. I was sad. That was it. I was sad inside when I heard Nat tell me about Aaron liking me still. It's not the first time she's mentioned that he respects me, and it irks me to no end because I can't say the same in return. I can't say I even like him anymore. He's just a coworker. I don't admire him, or care about him in any way. Most times, I actually find him kinda annoying. It peeves me just to look at him some days because I'll remember all the shit that's gone on between the FDC team; all the problems he and Denise brought to work because they couldn't keep their hands to themselves during work hours. That whole affair really hurt the relationship he had with the team in general - es fecha que todavia Alex talks shit behind his back, and Nacho refers to him in a derragatory manner. Hell, I still call him Ramon from time to time. And Natalie tells me he looks up to me like it's something I'm supposed to be happy about. I get the impression she really wants us to get along like we used to. Is she voicing something he's too pussy to tell me himself? He knows what I'll say. And maybe that's why. See? It all just brings me down. And I really wanted to call up the Dud right then and there and vent a little. She understands. Shit, she was living with us when all the problems started at work back then, and she was there for when we used to get along too. When Aaron still reminded me of Marco and I'd pray for his dumb ass on Friday nights when he'd speed off into the drunken hoards. I vaguely remember gassing up my car at that station on the corner of Jackson and Nolana, and he'd drive by there as I was fueling, and we'd wave at each other. Fuckin' little kid. I could've been a good influence on the guy, and Lord knows he needed it. Again, I think it might be the reason why Natalie wants me around him. Apart from her, I was the only person from UPS that showed up to his dad's funeral. (And him to my dad's, now I mention it.) None of his driver poker player friends showed up. Not one. Was he disappointed? Beneath all the pain, did he even notice? The way I noticed that Alex didn't show up for my family at Pifas's funeral? I didn't expect her there, in fact, knew she probably wouldn't show. But I know the Dud took it hard. She told me so a few weeks back. She still cries about it, y'know, and I hate to hear my sister cry. I wonder if Aaron still cries for Denise not showing up. I hugged him then, I remember. Then I went to Marco's grave and cried like a little emo bitch. (I cry in the rain so you don't see my tears falling...)

Why the fuck am I dredging this shit up still? Damn, I am in a slit-wristy mood, ain't I? I don't know. Maybe I need this. Clean the spiderwebs outta my brain crevices.

It wasn't until Aaron came back to work that I realized he'd noticed. He saw me at Marco's grave, after his father's funeral. With all his family and childhood friends around, and so many people come to say their condolences (Aaron's family is kinda influential and rich), he still followed to where I was going. I still don't know if I should be touched or creeped the fuck out.

I guess that's what's up with me now. I don't know what to feel. Apart from sorry that I don't feel the same way for the guy, I don't know if I should be really flattered, or really pissed off. Because I swear, every time it seems we're finally fading outta each other's lives, he's gotta go pull off some shit like this. Why does he still hold on to a friendship that didn't exist? We were work buddies, sure, but friends? We were getting to that point, all right. The plans to go out after work and hang together were laid out, but we never went. It was supposed to be Aaron and Nacho and Zami and me, going out to some bar on a Friday and vibin' as a crew. He fucked that up, see? And the only person from work I've ever hung with has been Juan. I've gone over to his house, and he's come over to mine. He knows my mom, my sister and my nephew. Nacho is my friend. I can say that with confidence (even though he still irks me sometimes). Aaron? Hell no, dawg. I barely even respect him as a coworker anymore. I've gotten to that conclusion, and after all the shit that's gone down between us, he should have, too.

What the fuck does he want from me?