We have internet at home again, but I feel weird updating from the dining room. Plus, it's the Dud's computer that has internet now. I need to get one of those wireless routers to hook it up on mine as well. Maybe I'll get one this weekend, who knows. Still, I'd rather risk getting busted for the 'net here at work in the meantime.

I kinda saw this coming. This, erm, disquiet I'm feeling lately. My temperment and my sister's don't mesh well, never have. And now it's starting to surface.

We had an argument on Saturday night. Not so much an argument as her ranting while I struggled to keep my eyes from glazing over. She cried. She always does. And it came out of nowhere, too! The subject (wait for it):

my soul.

I'm not kidding here. She was all weepy n' shit because she's afraid for my soul. Says I need to start giving thanks to God for all the good things I'm blessed with every day. Called me selfish, and all sorts of other names, and told me she pitied me. See, here's the thing:
One, it came out of nowhere, so I had no idea what to say, or even do. For a time I thought she was joking. I mean, we were at the table, 'Ama, the Dud and I, having a pleasant conversation about nothing in particular, when she suddenly springs this torrent of biblical crap at me. Told me that organized religion is necessary (which is something I definately do not believe), and that I need to go to church and get closer to God. I listened to her as patiently as I could, but I could feel the irritation creeping into my blood. Then when she started crying, claiming to feel sad for me, that she would pray for me (good goddamn, that made me nauseous), and that I should at least light a candle or something in my room to give thanks to God... all that went running through my head was that she's been taking those Baptist services a little too seriously.

We're not even Baptist!

Having been born into a traditional Mexican family ('Ama's from Cortazar, Guanajuato), I was raised and baptized Catholic. Not that I give much of a shit these days. Religion is more of a cultural thing for me, not spiritual. I put a crucifix at every doorway because that's what we've always done, not because I think Jesus is really gonna watch over me from there. Quoth the Son of God: "Nevermind." This view on religion of mine has been known to my family for quite a few years already. The Dud decides to flip out now?

I haven't gone to a religous ceremony since my father died. And that's because I had to, I mean, I couldn't skip his funeral. I put it together, after all.

Then she went off on another tangeant, saying how she was afraid I was gonna end up bitter and alone because I don't have any friends. She doesn't consider people I know online as "real friends." Fuck her, I say. But if I'm gonna agree to that line of thinking, for argument's sake, I gotta give her brownie points on that. Other than my family (or those I consider family), the only person I sorta confide in would be Nacho. And even with him, I don't confide much. Nothing of personal importance.

22:34Hrs.
She also added that if I were truly happy alone (I hadn't even said that, though I was thinking it), I wouldn't seek companionship and friendship online. For the record, I want to point out that I never actually go out of my way to look for people. Those that I keep in contact with now are usually people I've known for years and years already online. And hey, until very recently, I didn't even have internet for quite a while. So I couldn't even communicate much. UPS firewalls block MySpace.

Dud says I need to talk to God, go to church, and become part of the community. I say, go to hell. (It doesn't exist! Get it? Ha!)

What effin' business is it of hers anyway? I asked her as much, seeing as how I've never judged what she wants to believe and how. Then she accused me of being defensive. Well, fuck! What's my reaction supposed to be? She got even more weepy after that, saying that I was worse even than Talegas (her ex/not-so-ex husband). I could tell the entire time that she was trying hard to get a rise outta me. She was pushing all my buttons as hard and fast as she could in the hopes of... what? Getting a reaction out me? Make me cry? Psht, please. She knows I hate it when she compares me to her deadbeat husband. Still, I didn't flinch. When that didn't work, and the God thing didn't work, she continued critizising my online relationships, few as they are. She said I don't even have the balls to admit what gender I am online, that I refuse to give out absolutely any information on myself online. No pictures, no name, no face, no voice, no gender. Not once did I object, because that's all true. But I've always seen things differently than she. I don't post any personal information because to me, it's all just baggage. Inside my head, I'm a bunch of different people, both genders and then some, so my outer shell means nothing to us as a whole. Individual persons within me care about the Body, and what we look like, keeping us preened and cleaned and shit like that, but for the most part, it doesn't matter to me. I'm not sure anyone could understand, even if I knew how to explain it.

Of course, when I tried to tell the Dud this, she started attacking my multiplicity.

She's never believed I'm multiple. Various times she's told me she'd rather have people (including herself) think I'm gay. That's great and all; she can think what she likes, but my truth is another entirely.

Of course that attack didn't work either. So she pulled up other shit, even going so far as to critizise my charitible donations that get taken out of my paycheck every week. I give five dollars a week to the United Way, and when Dave sets up community service activities, I almost always attend. It's fun, and I get to hang out with people from work in a non-work environment. According to my sister, that's not nearly enough. (I still need to pray for the sick, I guess.) I'm still selfish, and I need serious therapy. (Yeah, I'm not the one who tried to off myself earlier this year.)

In the end, I started nodding off at the table while she tired herself out of crying. Mom had left the table long before.

I spoke to 'Ama afterwards, and she said not to pay too much attention, that I know the kind of sister I have, and yadda yadda. She always tells me this, but it seldom makes me feel better. Even now, I'm wary around her. This happened Saturday night, and she's been acting like it was all a big joke since. But I can see the anger fizzing softly beneath the surface of her eyes, she's sharper with me now, and I'm colder with her. It kills me because I don't want it to affect her kids - what fault do they have? And I do love my sister, as bad as I believe it is for me. Still, I'll need to get away from her for a few days.