Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

I really am a dick.

14 September 2004 - 22:27

My sister is such an idiot. Yes, I think she sucks. She don't like being talked down to, does she? But she sure as hell does like to be the one talking down to me. "I don't need a fuckin' lecture!" she snapped over the phone. I could've laughed. Same exact shit I said when she tried to pull that one on me. Unlike her, though, I didn't push it. "Fine," I said with a shrug. "I'll let you go."

The idiot wants to get pregnant. What a stupid idiot. It's just, there's no other word for it. She's an idiot. An imbecille. She popps a kid now, she'll never get on with school. I know she reads this sometimes, and I honestly don't care if she does. She knows where I stand. Do I want a nephew or neice? No. Absolutely not. Not now. But it's like I've told her before, it ain't up to me. She wants to complicate her life with a kid, go for it. It's her life, not mine. Just don't ask me to babysit.

I just get so sick of her sometimes. I mean, I do love her and all, but I just can't seem to understand her at times. She says she's afraid of getting pregnant, but I know she's been craving for a kid since her junior year in high school. Since she met Art. Since before. Since she got her damn period for the first time. Since she learned to breathe. Idiot.

Kids are a big responsability, and she is such a child herself... how does she expect to be a mother? She doesn't even know how to appreciate the time she's got alone with herself. She can't be alone. She says she has, and I guess she has been, in a sense. When she left for basic training, when she got deployed to Kuwait. But was she really alone? I don't think so. She made friends, distracted herself. That's why I don't understand why she can't do that now. Why does she get so hung up on her husband not being there? Why does she insist on running from Virginia and coming down to Texas? I don't think I could stand it if she moved down here. I'd flee to Mexico.

I don't want her dependant on me. She's such a child. What will happen to her if mom dies? If dad dies? If mom and dad and I die? Will she leech onto her husband for dear life? Probably. It's so disappointing.

I know what comes to mind at this point: I'm an asshole. Well, yes, I am. But it's kept me alive thus far, hasn't it? I know I'm not the best person out there, not even close. I can bitch as well as anyone out there. I have many flaws, and I'm not afraid to flash them at the world. I am bitter, I am stoic, I seldom have remorse for the shit I do. I hate saying "I'm sorry" yet I try to be humble, at least on the outside. I am more rotten than a corpse in the grave.

I wish my sister the happiness I can never have, will never want, except maybe on those long nights in the darkness of my closet, where no one can see me crying.

Know always that I love you, Dud. And I am sorry that you have to be related to something like me.

previous - next