Notice I said "try".

*sigh* There are things, baggage clinging to me which I can't seem to let go of. Alex is one of them. God, I hate her ass so much! I can't find true peace and tranquility while I'm busy hating someone's guts. Today, I finally broke the silence to my fellow Love Warriors (yes, that's what they call themselves) and openly asked for advice. Needless to say, it didn't help much except make me look like a whiny little idiot hungry for attention. I felt like a cheap whore, like I shoulda kept my mouth shut. Every virtual hug I got made me cringe. That's not what I wanted, people. I wanted advice. I need to know how to let go of this negativity that's infected my soul. I need to learn to move on without her. Because that's what she's doing, see. And that's fine. Really, I don't know why all of a sudden it's started weighing on me. I was fine about this a few months back. I think it's all adding to the fact I've lost the spark I felt for my job. The newness, the awe, the feeling of self-worth that I got from doing something useful within such a huge corporate business as is UPS. Being the Safety Committee co-chair and organizing events to help the people in my shift stay safe and healthy isn't filling me either. I feel desperate, yearning to break free. And seeing her fat ass everyday isn't helping me any! I want her out of my life! I want people to detest her and see right through her the way I can. See her for the shallow, superficial, abusive worthless piece of wasted flesh that she is. Yet if she is so worthless in my eyes, why do I let them linger over her...? Do I truly love her that much still? Even after what she did to scar not just me, but my family as well? And god, will you just listen to me? I sound like a love-sick boyfriend or something. She was only a friend. My best fuckin' friend, and she pays me like this?! Bastardess! I want her to die, a'ight? Just up and fuckin' die. An' I can't even tell her a damn fuckin' thing 'cause we work together, and that'd be "unprofessional." Suck my cock, Grizz, is all I gotta say to that.

I want a way to deal with this problem. Not ignore it, not make it go away. Just deal with it. Confront it, get past it, and move on. Can't even get to the confrontation part. And I hate running away from my problems, but it seems to be the only exit to this shit I see in sight. Just up and quit, get another job far, far, away to where I never gotta deal with her again.

And all those people at HugNation could do was tell me to make the change within. Change my attitude about her, see the good and positive within her. As if I haven't been fuckin' trying for the past two years! Gawrgh! TWO FUCKIN' YEARS! I can't believe I've let it go on so long! So far into this!

But breathe deep, my brother, breathe in. Release the air slowly and don't let the venom consume you. After all, by all means we should be out there in the back dock right now, making small talk with the bitch.

I need a new job.