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drowning in air 10 February 2005 - 21:09 Dud is pregnant, and I wanna smack her. Just smack the shit outta her 'til the kid comes out. *grimace* Now I know I stepped on some toes. Who gives a fuck? It's what I feel. She expected me to be happy, but once again, I let her down. She ended up hanging up on me. Maybe she cried. Maybe I don't care. I know, she must be so scared now. She's not ready for this. Hell, I'm not ready for this, how the hell am I supposed to feel?! And I felt it coming, this change in my life. I mean, I dunno. I felt it first when they towed Claud Nein away. I knew I'd never see that beloved car again. Then Jiquiro dies yesterday, and I knew that was it. THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. I was supposed to die before all this. Before I reached adulthood, that has always been my wish. When I was a little kid, growin' up, I never feared anything, because I knew, deep down, that I would never live to be 18. Now I'm 21. Aw, shit. See where the problem is? I miscalculated. And I'm too much of a pussy to commit suicide, though it sounds real tempting right about now. What? Kill myself over a kid that hasn't even been born? Why not? And it's more than that. I can't sleep at night no more, I feel trapped and lost and scared all at once. I huddle deep under layers of blanket and quilt and still I shiver, I wake up trembling. Life is changing, and I am so not ready for this. And I know I sounded like some dipshit cheerleader saying that. 'So' not ready. But I don't know how else to emphasize it. I'm just not supposed to be here. I SHOULD BE DEAD. Does anyone understand that? DEAD! Why hasn't death claimed me yet? Why didn't the world end on the Y2K thing? It was supposed to, so I could die in peace, and not live to see my sister popping out them babies, or see my mother develop arthritis and wither away before me, or to have to shoulder this burden that is just so damn heavy, as I breathe and I sit and I stare and watch the planet slowly turn on its axis, but not slow enough for me. I don't wanna see it happen, I'm not ready. I've never been. I never, ever, EVER in my life as a kid thought about growing up and getting married and starting a family of my own. Never. I was always going to die before I became an adult. It was going to be so easy, being me. I wasn't even supposed to finish high school. That's why I procrastinated during the whole college application process. I mean, why bother with that shit, if I was going to die before I graduated? But now I'm a sophomore in college, and I keep on growing, and my parents keep getting older, and time doesn't seem to wanna stop for me anytime soon. And pretty soon, sooner than I'd like, my mother is going to die. So is my father. And my sister's children will grow up and become teenagers, and I will see wrinkles form on my skin, and I will live forever nostalgic, and then, finally, when I have finally gotten the hang of everything and am starting to enjoy what life I have, then, my friends, I will die. And I will not be ready, and I will not think it's fair. And I do not know what comes after, so I can't say now for sure what will happen once I die. I hope and pray that I am reunited with all those I've lost that I've loved in my life, but I can't guarantee that. And what is the point of all this? Dammit! Someone answer me, please! I can't breathe, I can't breathe... |