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Fist Up!

22 March 2017 - 22:21

My feet hurt, and I'm tired, but today was a better day for me than yesterday. I've been nearing a mental breakdown lately, just barely hanging on. I suspect depression (wouldn't be the first time, which is why I recognize the symptoms), and that only aggravates my multiplicity. I've always touted my plurality as being a blessing more than a curse for me, as it's that flexibility of the mind that's pulled me out of some rough patches throughout my life, but it is certainly a double-edged sword. If I'm not careful, my selves become very self-destructive.

I know it's all a build-up from all the shit going in my life recently, from my Tía's illness to the problems at work. My time at school seems to be the only respite for me, because even at home, I am uneasy. My mom worries about me, I know, and I try to put on a strong face for her, or at least a silly one, but it is difficult. I think perhaps I should take up writing full time again: that's always helped in the past. I need a creative outlet. I've been under so much stress, that I've put my Apocrypha project on hiatus for almost a year now. In fact, I think I may have just hit the year mark since I've touched my sketchbook. I've been reading a lot of zombie comics and manga lately, too. My sister told me a few years back that she read in an article how zombie apocalypse stories usually become popular when times are economically difficult. I think there is a strange sense of comfort in reading tales of end-times-via-the-undead. 'Cause, hey, life may be shitty, but at least you're not living through the Zombie Apocalypse, right? I would agree, save for the manga I Am A Hero, or Aiamuahiro, by Hanazawa Kengo-sensei. I see myself reflected in the main character, Hideo, except I have no gun. In that case, I guess I'd be Korori-sensei, who has got to be my favorite character in that story. But I'm no Nakata-sensei. He's too optimistic, and that's why he's so damn likeable. I'm definitely Hideo, with his paranoia, insecurities and hallucinations.

Still, I don't want to dwell on how terrible a person I think I am. I had a better day today. I gave a bar of chocolate to someone whom I've been hurt by, and now dislike. I'm trying to carve a happier atmosphere for myself.

I need to go home now, do some laundry before heading over to pick Mom up from work.


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