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gouge

07 August 2009 - 17:28

There's a knot in my stomach; I want to throw up. Feline leukemia? Can it really be that...? I don't even want to consider it. Debbs said it's fatal, and I remember the way Patrick got years back. But there's supposed to be a discoloration of the gums, and Junior's is the regular healthy pink. Not pale white. Although today...

*sigh* I'd told myself I wasn't going to think about it here at work. It's not like I can do anything from here. Shit, I can't even do anything from home. I'm broke as fuck: cell phones got disconnected this morning, and I need to pay the car insurance by Monday. To top shit off, I don't get paid today, need to wait now until next Friday. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. We have a disconnection notice also, for the light bill. Mom's pissed. My dogs don't even have enough food for tonight... I'll have to make do somehow. But my cats, oh my cats...! I don't want Junior to die, but he can hardly even move anymore. And he cries his discomfort when I pick him up to move him. He's limp in my arms, picks up his head feebly to look at me. And he's so thin! All skin and bone now. Monday he refused to eat anything. Gradually, over the week, I've been able to coax some soft food and liquid vitamin into him, but he's not improving much. I feel so helpless, and the look of pity in Debbie's eyes when I told her Junior's symptoms aren't helping my mood. I had the vet give me that look when I first took in Knightmare, when he was dying.

Except Knightmare didn't die. He hung in there, and part of me desperately wishes that Junior will be the same. But determined or no, Knightmare would've died if I hadn't taken him to the vet when I did, for that blood transfusion and IV. At the time, I had the money at my disposal. This time... no, I don't.

And I want to scream! I feel so impotent and the guilt won't let me be.

There is always guilt. There always will be. That's part of having a pet, I guess. I'll always feel I never do enough. And it's scraping a hole in my ribcage, from the inside out.

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