Okay, so it didn't get me so much as down, but it did knock the wind outta me a little, and maybe I hit me knee - hard - as I struggled not to fall all the way to the floor. But I'm not down, down.

I went to Pifas's house today, 'cause he's been wanting shrimp. He got some groceries for me and 'Ama too, so he called and told me to come over and pick it up. Much obliged, I went, of course. While I was helping him put his stuff away - okay, okay. While I put his stuff away and he soaked his swelling feet in hot water on the foot massage machine I bought him the other day (comeplete with vibrations and bubble action! Order now!), he fished out twelve dollars from his wallet and told me to buy Angel a pizza. (Angel loves pizza ever since he saw the Ninja Turtle movie on TV.) We talked for a while, then it was two o'clock and I had to get home 'cause I still had to get ready for work.

Now, I knew the Dud wouldn't accept the money or the pizza. Still not sure why I told her about it. Shoulda just bought the damn thing and told her I'd gotten it for the twerp. But no, I can't do that if I tried. For the record, I did ask 'Ama and she told me to tell the Dud. So I told the Dud and of course she didn't want anything to do with it. Started crying raising her voice a little and told me to give that money back to Dad and tell him that Angel didn't need any damn pizza, he needed a good grandfather. In the end, I told her to get over this shit and came to work. I'm not in the mood now to dwell on all the shit she said. She even... fuck! She even tried to blame me for some of this shit! That I make her feel like she's taking time away from me by keeping me from Dad and how I make her feel like a horrible mother because she's keeping the kids away from him too. And well, shit! I haven't even told her anything on the subject! But I digress, I really don't wanna go into it right now, 'cause I'm at work, and Juan just got here. Don't wanna freak people out or nothing.

The whole point I was trying to make was that it irked the fuck outta me. I don't even feel like giving the money back to Pifas. I'm not saying it will break his heart or anything, but I know he gave me that money because he really misses the kids. The last two times we took Angel out to eat was with Pifas, and we all went to Pizza Hut. Like a family.

The Dud says she's going back to El Paso soon. I know she will leave and will not come back until after our father has passed away. I worry for what will become of her, once the guilt kicks in and drives her insane with remorse. And I worry most for those two kids, for Mono and Nenni, who are too young now too choose, too young to speak out, and too young to understand the idiocities adults often fight about.

As a last note, for the record, I wanted to clarify what pissed me off about the comment Dud made. It wasn't that she involved me; she can blame me all she wants. But when she said Angel needed a good grandfather, she wasn't being fair. My father has been a horrible father: never there for his kids, always putting others' needs in front of ours. He never gave us advice (except once a few years back when I was already in my twenties that he told me that in this life, it's either fuck or be fucked), or met any of our friends growing up (except for Alex, back when I called her Mar�a and she was my friend... but that was until I was already in my twenties also), or knew any of our favorite things. Despite that, I have yet to find a single thing to complain about his behavior towards Angel, or even Nenni. He loves those kids. And I don't feel it's fair how the Dud compares him all the time to Yesenia. And well... I won't meddle in her affairs any longer. I told her last time that I wouldn't, and I feel I've kept my word. I hope I always will.

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