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implosion 22 June 2006 - 02:07 My fingers are numb on the keyboard. It's hard to move them around to type. I stare at my hands and try not to look at the screen. Everything just seems so unreal... like these are not my hands, as if I'm seeing them from a distance, apart from my own self.But these are my hands, my fingers typing on the board. My sister says so, and I feel cheated somehow. Rosa Isela no me quiere. No as� como estoy. I feel so betrayed right now, have had that lingering in the back of my throat like a bad case of gastric acid. I can almost feel the ulcer carving itself into my being, into the mouth of my stomach. Oh, my esophagus. I have always felt this way when it comes to my sister, and I don't know why. Yes, I do know why, but it is much too painful to state it, to utter the truth. She doesn't believe in me; she never will. She wants... proof of what I am. Multiple. And that is not enough for her. She also wants to know why. She has always wanted to know why. It's always about the goddamn why's with that girl. But I am too tired, too weary, to provide any answers. Too much shit going on, and my head reels, and it hurts like hell, inside and out, and there is a stinging pain over my left eyebrow. I no longer look at the keyboards, but stare at the words being typed out on the screen. God. It is just so awful, it's awful. I need to implode. |