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longing for lithium

11 August 2015 - 23:04

Today was the final day of my internship. Smooth sailing from now on, I originally thought. Less stress.

Thought wrong. My regular job more than makes up for it.

Part of the reason I hate working at UPS so much is because of my own attitude. I bear grudges for a long, long time. I resent. And though I try to let things slide off my back, they don't. They get stuck there, digging in between my shoulder blades, not exactly painful, but annoying as all fuck. I've tried breathing exercises, I've tried dancing my problems away... it all bubbles straight up again at the slightest provocation. I wish I could find a place where I was truly happy, at ease. I hate my job, just hate the fuck out of it. Hate my new supervisor, hate my old one, hate the daft pair of tits that works in the next computer over. Only people I don't hate so far are Nick, and the cat, Stickerbutt. Naturally, I become overly-protective of them. There's something about Nick that's rather endearing, in a waif-like way. She's so shy and quiet, and rather jumpy, like the cat. I get upset when someone upsets her, or maybe I'm just looking for reasons to get upset, knowhatimsayin'? I just hate it there.

Well, it ain't all bad, truth be said. At least I still have Nacho. Over the years, I've come to the realization that I consider him my best friend, if ever I had one. I'm protective of him, too, but he does the same for me. He's like a brother. I can lean on him. And I do. Half the time, I keep thinking I'm not a good enough friend to him. I owe the guy so much... I get paranoid of one day losing his friendship, since the one with Art ran afoul. I don't regret breaking off my relationship with Art, but it does get under my skin in a prickling way. I can't explain it except for the fact that I want to stab him in the face while simultaneously managing a way to punch him in the dick. Then switch hands.

I tell ya', I know how to hold a grudge. I hope he dies.

And that just starts a loop of self-loathing because I feel I'm giving the bastard too much importance. Allowing him too much influence over me. Which I am, and it sucks, and just makes me hate him more. Start the loop again. Ugh. I wish I could be the better person. I wanna let it go.

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