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LifeLine.com 21 October 2006 - 13:37 Sometimes the situations around you enfuriate you and cause you great misery beyond belief. There are times you don't know who to lash out to; you're beeing attacked by all sides, and at all times, and you've never had your guard so up. You don't know where to turn, where to run and hide to nurse your many wounds, and you can't, not really; there's nowhere to go. So in your frenzied agony, you turn on yourself: the only enemy standing within view left to hurt back. So you take up the kitchen knife, or a razor, or a lit cigarrette, and take it to your skin. Pills in copious quantities find their way into your body, often mixed with other toxic substances. Sleeping pills, to ease the pain forevermore; blades that slice away the pain of living... or maybe you even chose to hang, so your last view of this world will be from above, and you're floating.... floating....Or, you do what I do, where you feel all this rage and think all these glorious thoughts of suicide and more, but something inside you will just not let you die. Damn that stupid something-inside-me. I don't call it cowardace, for I am not afraid of the pain; neither the one I'm about to cause myself or the one I will inflict upon others by taking my pathetic life. I call it arrogance, because despite it all, I shake off my shoulders and throw my hair back and say, "Fuck all these problems! I'm too good to die for shit like that." And I move on. And all I do instead is make my way mechanically over to my computer desk and type shit like this up, to vent. Perhaps then, this seemingly insignificant online diary is my lifeline; my refuge in times of crisis. Lord help me if my hard drive crashes. |