Midnight died today. And as is always the case in these matters, I feel terrible. I blame myself. Of course it's my fault. I'm a horrible person. And the worst part is that now Knightmare appears to be sick, too. And Midnight went so fast... I barely glimpsed the first symptoms (in my eyes, at least, but perhaps I should have seen this coming long ago) yesterday noon, and less than a day later, he's dead. Now, Knightmare's not showing anything like what Midnight was yesterday or last night, so he might still have time, if he's even sick to begin with. I hope he's not, but I have a sinking feeling that he is. He keeps trying to eat dirt, and his skin and tongue are really pale. Midnight was vomiting and wasn't eating or drinking water. Knightmare's thirst seems a bit on the low side, but he's still eating alright. Vet's not in today, so it's not like I can take him in anyway. Mom told me to wait until tomorrow, see how he reacts today. I'm so afraid of losing him...! Last night was horrid, knowing Midnight was wasting away in front of me and being able to do nothing, feeling he was like this in the first place because I had done nothing. I've seen enough dogs die to know the symptoms when I see them. There was no way around it, my baby was leaving me. I'd killed him with my irresponsibility. Gawd, I wanted to die. I was switching personalities at a rapid pace, and that made me dizzy and nauseous. I threw up twice: once last night, and then again today. Right now my body feels numb, like it's not mine. My fingers are clumsy on the keyboard, frozen. I've had Midnight and Knightmare for going on six years now, and I figured they'd always be a constant in my life. I can't believe I've let them waste away like this. What kind of sick person am I, anyway, that I would deny necessary medical care to those I'm responsible for?

Mom tells me it's this reason that she doesn't like me getting animals. Says I take these things too harshly, and that I judge myself to hard. But what the fuck else is there for me to do?! I KILLED MY DOG! My dear, gentle friend, and now his brother will be alone. That is, if I haven't killed him already as well with my incompetence. Even if I rush him in tomorrow for a checkup, diagnosis and treatment if he needs it, it might be too late.