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la soledad

17 January 2006 - 01:17

I have little more than two hundred dollars in my checking account, and I am seriously considering wasting about half of it on a trench coat. A badass trench coat. Ah, well. I shall await my check on Friday instead.

There is just so much I wish I could do... *sigh* Being broke sucks. Still, it could be worse, I know. I could have nothing. I could be in the same situation I was in around this time last year. I could be. Miserable.

On March 10th, Nickleback, Trapped, and Chevelle are coming to a town about a three-hour drive from where I live. Chevelle! I wanna go, of course, but

1) the concert's on a Friday (hence I shall be working, no doubt)

2) the van has a very slim chance of actually making it all the way over there (yes, that's how fucked up my ride is)

3) Did I mention I was broke? Oh, and

4) I have nobody to go with.

This last one is what bothers me more than anything, I'll bet. Yes, yes it is. I can't lie to myself. I'm just so lonely! *makes loud boo-hooing noise* But seriously now, it's times like these that I realize how much life sucks when you're hermitarian. (Look! I think I just pulled off a George W!) I've never been the type to make lasting friendships. That's just not very, erm, "me." I've avoided people since I hit puberty, I believe. And now... now it's come back to bite me in the ass.

For the first time in my life, I think I might be in love. With my life, my situation, I mean. And with people around me too. My coworkers are beginning to feel more and more like family to me; I've even come to want to hug them all. No shit. And it scares me, because I fear it will all go away soon. Because that's what I've always done. Whenever I felt I was becoming too attached to someone, I moved on, on purpose. That is why I've never had a "significant other"; I've never even been on a date. Ever. I mean it. I chase any possible candidates away because in the end, they complicate life, they require that you give them a part of yourself, and I'm just too damn selfish. I've always been quite content with it just being my mom, my sister, and me. But now 'Ama is old, and I don't think I need to state that she doesn't quite like heavy rock n' roll; Dud's moved away, she's married and has a kid. She's got her own family now and can't be worring about me. Not anymore, not ever again.

So I am on my own now, truly, for my family is gone from me in a way I cannot control. The fact that I can't find anyone to go to a rock concert with opened my eyes to the fact that when 'Ama and 'Apa die, that's it. I am on my own. Nobody to share my tastes and interests. No real friends. No friends period. Because I've made things this way for me. Because it's what I've always wanted. And now, it's what I fear most.

Zamira says it's not too late to look for young people, my age, she says, who have shit in common with me. But I don't know where to start looking, and there's still that stubborn part of me that doesn't want to find friends. There's still that asshole in my blood that won't let me be. It keeps me from looking, keeps me from calling "friend" those that I have right in front of me. Because, really, I already might have a few people, ready to be my friends if only I'd let them. But I refuse to call them anything but "coworkers" or "aquaintences" or "people I know over the internet." It's all these different ways I have to say the same thing: "stranger." All are strangers to me, or so I'd like to think. But deep down, I'd like to believe that Aaron is my friend, that Zamira and Juan and Art are too. That out there somewhere in cyberspace I might have someone who's kindred to me...

Psh. Who the fuck am I kidding?

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