*sigh* At long last.

I won't deny the pain. It's like a very slow-acting poison. I feel drowsy, only half-here. I forget to eat, I don't want to talk too much, and I called in work on Friday. I want to call in forever now.

He's not responding anymore. He's in an unconcious state that he can't shake off. His pulse, blood pressure and breathing are steady, but that's about it. When I wiped his dry mouth today after a suctioning session (he can't cough up or swallow his own thick saliva), fresh blood came away on the paper towel. And his breath smelled like raw beef that's been left outside for a few hours on a warm day. Minus the buzzing flies.

I wonder how long this will last. His two half-sisters are here. They spoke to him and mi T�a Pera cried softly when she saw him.

It's all so strange...

I never thought it would feel like this. I never imagined he wouldn't be able to talk to me before the end. Somehow, I always thought he'd be fully conscious of his surroundings. Not like this. Not struggling to open his eyes or shrug a shoulder and failing. Not nearly-comatose. Not like this, where I can't tell if my words are getting through to him. The nurse said they get through to him, but how does he know? Has he been an ICU patient before? Where is my father in that still frame? Where is he inside that living husk, that undead corpse? Where are you, P'fas? �Porque no despiertas?

I want him to know that I love him. I want him to tell me he knows. I want him to just fuckin' look at me! I want him to say goodbye to Angel, so he can understand that he's never gonna see his grandfather again.

But what I want and what will be are two completely different things.

I hope he doesn't die tomorrow, on the 23rd, 'cause that's the Dud's birthday. They finally made their peace with each other, at least on the surface. I don't want him to die on her birthday. I couldn't live with it. But I feel he believes it would make a good birthday present for her, to set her free. Dios, por favor, no. I'd rather have him die on Christmas. I'd much rather have him die never.

I don't wanna lose him. I thought I was ready, but I was wrong. I'll never be ready. I don't think people can ever ready themselves for this. And I never told him I was multiple, never got to ask him to love me that way, as a system. Now I'll never know.