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08 February 2017 - 10:32

I find myself unsatisfied with my life lately. This isn't the first time it's occurred. Seems to happen every few years, or months, can't really tell which. I thought school would help, but this Cake Decorating class only seems to bring its own batch of problems, emotional nitpickings that keep me from fully enjoying the expereience of creating edible art. How I wish my personality wasn't so petty. I strive to not give a shit, to enjoy my current experiences to the fullest, but my rancor and spite towards others gets in the way.

Recently, I spoke to a friend who's been going through some tough times. She was spewing venom all over the internet as a means to vent, and it worried me, because I didn't see it as healthy. I cautioned her against such vitriol, against such feelings of hate, because it would only make her miserable, I said. I wanted her to be happy, and at peace. Well, I'm such a fuckin' hypocrite. How can I ask her to dismiss her resentment, when I can't seem to do the same? I mean, sure, she vents online and screams it to the world, whereas I'm a very private person and tend to keep those things to myself, but what is the difference, in the end, if, just like her, I'm hanging on to emotions that will only hurt me, in the end? I want to let go of this anger. I want to be happy. Don't we all just want to be happy? It's a matter of perspective. I know I can achieve, if not joy, at least satisfaction in my life if only I see my life through rose-tinted lenses. But I hate seeing my enemies happy. I hate seeing them as my enemies. They used to be my friends. Why don't they want my friendship anymore? I'm sure it's because they can sense the ogre I am beneath my human skin, and it frightens them away. Well, fuck them and all their shit. I want to will them all away. Maybe I need a change in atmosphere. Y'know, maybe if I get more oxygen to my brain, I will be able to think more clearly, and grow into a better person. Or maybe an atmosphere with carbon monoxide instead, and I can sleep a little better. Forever.

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