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eyes so w[e]ary

06 June 2007 - 00:04

When I got home today, I sat in the dining room and cried with my father. Then he went home, and I cried myself to sleep in my closet. I didn't wake up until 'Apa called me at 9:43 to see if 'Ama had gotten home yet. She wasn't. I panicked, but just as I was about to call Pifas back to ask for a ride to 'Ama's work, she got home. We called Pifas to let him know she was home safe, and then 'Ama and I talked, and then cried some more. All I've done today is cry. I miss my nephew more than words or tears can ever say.

I miss my sister terribly, and I'm worried about her. I've done my best to trust her judgement in all things, but with this, I can't. I just don't understand how she can possibly think Alexis is good for her and her children. Being the biological father doesn't count for shit these days, and I speak from experience, having grown up without mine. Alexis is an asshole, I hate him and I wish he'd die. I've had various opportunities to make that wish happen, but I always hold back, for Angel, for my sister and her unborn baby. I could kill Alexis, and I very much want to. I'm not ashamed or afraid to say it. But my sister keeps running back to him, and I don't know why. After he's so indifferent to her, after he yells at her son. But she says he's got a right, because he's the father. Bullshit. I've been a better father figure to Angel than that pice-of-shit has ever been. My drunk-ass dying father has been a better father figure for my nephew, for that matter. That's why when Angel sees pictures of Pifas he'll point to his grandfather and say: "'Api. 'Api. 'Api." It's something Alexis can't stand.

It's late now, and tomorrow I go back to UPS. Under normal circumstances I would never look forward to be going back to work, but I am now. I need to get my mind off my chiquito feo, need to be strong for him because I know he'll need me to be. And when he does need me, and the Dud needs me, I'll be there.

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