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drowning in tar

09 June 2019 - 21:25

The heat wave passing through the Valley is killer. It was 108°F in the afternoon, and the tiny A/C unit in my room has been doing all it can just to keep the room 20 degrees cooler. So, yes, the temperature inside my bedroom is 88°! Well, perhaps now it's down to 85, since the sun's gone down. But my point is, running A/C unit and two fans later, and I'm still breaking out in sweat. This insufferable heat, along with what I'm guessing is the onslaught of depression, has me lying around, wanting to do nothing other than melt into a steaming puddle of death.

The situation with Rosa Isela and the kids doesn't seem to be getting better. We haven't spoken to the kids since Friday morning, and my dear sister hasn't reached out to me since some terse texts yesterday. She can shove it.

Jay from Aestrea reached out to me&co. this morning. The sweethearts; they're trying to look for help for my Papo. Another system reached out to us via email as well, and offered their advice on all this. Both they and Aestrea seem to be sounding the red alert on this, and I feel so utterly helpless, because I can't pull Papo out of there. I'm not even sure when, or if, I'll be allowed to see any of the kids again. Right now, I'm just relieved that Mom can at least talk to them. She does her best not to break down and cry, but I know things are hard for her, too. Why does Rosa Isela always do this? Why does she blow things out of proportion, and purposefully lash out to hurt others? Doesn't she realize she's damaging her kids? Is her disdain and resentment towards me and Mom really that great, that it blinds her to the pain she's causing? Why does she hate me so much? This isn't an exaggeration. I truly believe my sister hates me. She always has, ever since we were little, since I was born the wrong gender, in her infant mind of that time. We were never close. Now that we're adults, our outlook on life, our belief system, everything we represent, are directly opposed to one another. She's ultra-religious; I'm apatheistic. She's married, with five children; I'm 35 and still single, never having dated in my life, no kids. I'm very politically driven, attending rallies and protests whenever I get the chance; she, not so much. I love to bake; she dislikes cooking. I'm multiple. She doesn't even believe I exist.

I guess the only thing that keeps us connected is our diabetic bloodline.

I need to find a way to shove past this depression that threatens to drag me down. I'll be of no use to anyone in that state. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to the gym; try and exercise the ugliness out. Get rid of the tar, the rage, frustration, pain, concern and sorrow. I can't let this kick my ass. Need to get my inner peeps strong and ready. This is going to be one hell of a fight.

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