Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries

friends or none

30 September 2015 - 15:43

I'm having a hard time getting some understanding in my life, including from myself. I saw Art laugh on Monday, and a bittersweet feeling overcame me for an instant. I was happy that he laughed, and for once it sounded genuine. He legitimally seemed content. That was nice to see. But part of me was also saddened, because it again reinforced in my mind that he is indeed capable of joy, and he's not miserable, like I wish he'd be for the rest of his days. Yeah, it's a shitty thing to wish on someone, I know. And it's stupid to get sad over seeing someone else happy. But it my mind, it cements the notion that he never cared about me, was never my friend, even though I loved him. Yeah, I loved him; I love all those I consider friends. I love Nacho, and Edgar, Max, Tammie, Albert, Mayra, Amanda. I probably love Nacho the most, right, but that doesn't mean what I feel for my other friends isn't love as well. So yeah, I loved Art, for a time. Part of me still cares for him, just like a part of me will always care for Aaron, even though all these years have gone by. I can never truly hate someone I've loved before, because I will always remember the good they did in my life, if only for a while. Even if I was only lying to myself the entire time. I respect the past, and in the past, I was very fond of Art. I wish him misery now because he hurt me.

Gawd, will you listen to me go on like a little bitch? I sound like I got dumped or some shit. Fuckin' A. Y'know, there's more shit to my life than fuckin' failed relationships, yeah? I's got other friends anyway. Nick's one of them. Silly little girl, she makes me smile. I make her laugh 'til she almost pisses herself. No joke. She's always yellin' at me to stop, or she'll piddle herself. She's so young and beautiful and hairy and full of life. (She gets all self-concious about her fuzziness, but I'm hairy too, so I think it's cool.)

Of course, then there's Albert. I feel a close kinship to that guy. Probably because we share the same last name. Who knows? We just may be distantly related or some shit. His obsession with Batman is endearing to me. This past Monday, we made various decorative cookies in order to learn to use them for dessert plating. We made tuille cookies, among others, and I made a Batman stencil for Albert to use. When I gave it to him, he shrieked with joy, then laughed like a maniac. Not kidding. I actually made the man squeal like a little girl. It made me laugh. In fact, that put me in a great mood for the entire morning, and most of the afternoon. Sorry, Albert, but when evening comes around, it's Nick who lights up my world. They're both such fun kids.

Right now I'm at the physical therapist's with my mom. She's so cute, swinging her feet back and forth as they dangle from the table. Mom's short.

"Te vez bien cute," I tell her with a smile.
"Ah, sí, como no," she laughs. "¡Pelona, vieja y chimuela!"

I don't care, my mom's beautiful to me. Mom seems chatty. I should log off.

previous - next