03 December 2019 - 22:06I'm off the clock, so it's cool.
Anywhore. (Excelsiwhore!) I kinda wanna leave already, yet not. I feel like I need to get shit off my chest, and I need to do it as a single entity, rather than my many selves. (Heh. EnTITTY. God, you're a child.) Angel says he doesn't have the ability to do that. Integrate, I mean. Integrate his many selves into one, or at least fewer. That's normal, I guess. Not many systems that I know of have the ability to fuse at will. Billy Milligan was one of them. He became the Teacher, if I remember correctly, when they did. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure what it is I want to type down, what it is I need to vent. But I feel the impulse to type, and so I must. Things at home are okay, I guess. Well, no. No, not really. I mean, my relationship with 'Ama is okay, as it's always been, but the house is a fuckin' mess. It's stressful. Perhaps that's why I don't really want to go home right now. And our budget's been tight. My dental work costs are kicking my ass. It's honestly a bill I couldn't afford to add to my list of growing bills, but I'll make do. I have to. For 'Ama. Don't wanna stress her out. But yes, we've been having to reign in our spending, and seeing how we're making do with that, and realizing that we could've been this frugal the entire time, really grates on my nerves. I've spent so much money foolishly...! It's exasperating. Anyhow, I feel like my cluttered life is spilling over into other areas. Like at work. I feel overwhelmed sometimes, and that's because the new system has simplified so much, and now I require much less knowledge to do my work. I'm also tired most of the time, but I know it's not really physical exhaustion. I'm just... agitated. Mentally. I stress out and never get a chance to decompress because I have nowhere to relax. So I bury myself into my smartphone, and play useless games that don't really get me anywhere. And so the hours go by. And the mess grows, and I suffocate. It's a never-ending vicious cycle of procrastination and escapism and misery and stress. I think it's getting to Mom, as well. I need to try harder, and do better. I need to take better care of the house, and my animals, and my mother. My mother, most of all. *sigh* I guess that's what I needed to come to terms with. This has been a self-pep-talk, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for attending.